The Annotated Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter
Like any serious comics fan should, I have a great amount of respect for Jess Nevins. His annotations to League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Volume One and Volume Two are incredibly entertaining and informative, and if you've got any interest at all in 19th Century heroic literature, his Encyclopedia of Fantastic Victoriana is absolutely fascinating.
I, on the other hand, tend to set my sights much, much lower.
Yes, Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter #3 hit stands yesterday, and so tonight, I'm devoting the ISB to an exhaustive, scurrilous set of notes on what may actually be the most awesomely terrible comic being put out by a major publisher today.
Grab your own copy and read along!
1.1: This issue's opening line, "My skin crawled with the memory of small furry bodies sliding over me," in addition to being a handy reminder that Anita was in dire peril of being murdered by vermin in the last issue, is also highly reminiscent of erotic fan-fiction concerning Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers. Considering that this is a story where the main character eventually has to have sex with the undead to gain super-powers, that might actually be a step up.
1.3: This issue marks the first appearance of The Rat King:
It's unclear as to whether his tiny, tiny denim cutoffs are representative of his rank, or if they're just a curious personal affectation.
2.3: Anita's "Apparently, I was being rescued, not that I had need of it," seems pretty thoroughly at odds with the fact that exactly three pages before, she was shouting for a vampire in a frilly poet-shirt to save her from Certain Doom at the hands of the wererats. From this, we can infer that Anita Blake is a total jerk.
4.6: When Theresa claims that the rats were meant to frighten her, Anita claims that she doesn't "frighten that easily." Again, I refer you to last issue, where Anita screams for help, apparently while completely calm.
At least two people got paid to write that down on a piece of paper. The mind boggles.
6.1: Hey, check out THIS shocking and wholly original concept! Nikolaos, the evil vampire capo for the entire city... IS ACTUALLY A LITTLE GIRL!
Did that blow your mind?! Because that just happened!
8.4: In a caption explaining how her mystical vampire-sense works, Anita claims that she "knew vampires like some people knew horses." Given what I've heard about her relationships later on in the series, that line is frigg'n hilarious.
8.5: Nikolaos apparently has the same tailor as Spawn.
According to the text, this expression is meant to convey mind-shattering terror and not, as you might expect, exasperated boredom.
12.5: Jean-Claude is upset:
Clearly, this is serious business.
12.8: Just in case you didn't think this comic was super-awesome yet, then stand back: Two full pages of Anita Blake interrogating a monosyllabic zombie used car salesman begins now.
16.1: Okay, now I've read this comic at least four times, and I have no idea why Nikolaos and Jean-Claude suddenly go apeshit and start fighting each other. Normally, this sort of thing wouldn't present a problem for me, as I am all about people suddenly freaking out and throwing down, but really: Even OMAC has the courtesey to explain why he's going to destroy your section. Maybe Master Vampires are just a moody, capricious lot.
18.6: The Sword of Omens has given Anita Blake sight beyond sight:
19.5: Anita's line, "This was why I jogged, so I could run like hell when something was chasing me. Thinner thighs was not incentive enough," is pretty ironic, considering that on the previous page, she's depicted as some kind of satyr, or possibly someone smuggling a pair of new-style Volkswagen Beetles in her pants.
20.3: Sweet Flippin' Christmas.
Okay, what we have here is Winter, who appears to be an idealized version of Frank Miller (on the right), whose horrific, sub-Michael Turner-level anatomy is not nearly covered enough by a mesh wifebeater and a pair of tiny running shorts with slits up the sides.
Further commentary should not be neccessary.
More ISB Fun With Anita Blake:
| The Bloodsucking Battle You Demanded! Anita Blake vs. Dracula! |
| The Rumble in the Concrete Jungle! Anita Blake vs. Batman! |