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Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Year-End Meme-O-Rama!

Last week, noted raconteur and bon vivant John Holbo "tagged" me for the meme that's going around where you tell five things about yourself that most people don't know, and since I always try to keep on the cutting edge of things, I resolved to do just that once I'd been forced by the calendar to stop writing about Santa Claus.

The problem, of course, is that I've been writing a daily blog for almost two years, and with my love of throwaway jokes, there's not a whole heck of a lot that people don't know about me already, and if you're a loyal ISB reader, it's not really going to come as a surprise that I was really into the Cartoon Network's Totally Spies! over the summer of 2004, or that my heart was broken when I found out Roddy Piper isn't really from Scotland. So with that in mind, I've racked my brains to come up with things that I haven't used as the punchline for a joke about the Teen Titans.

Let's see what I've got!

  1. In High School, I was voted "Most Unique."
    I'm pretty sure this was based entirely on my teenage love for Hawaiian shirts and a purely nonsensical column I wrote in the school paper called "Hardcore Journalism." Also of note, almost everyone who signed my yearbook included a line about sticking with my writing, which really discouraged me from continuing with my childhood dream of being a zombie-battling male model rock star.

  2. I have an intense, almost pathological fear and hatred of mold.
    It probably has a lot to do with my intense love of breads and cheeses, but whatever the case, I cannot stand it, and if I see some creeping onto my food, it's all I can do to bring myself to pick it up and throw it away without developing a debilitating case of the jibblies.

  3. I'm the only member of my family who can actually tell a joke.
    It's not that my relatives don't have a good sense of humor--although a good 73% of them don't--but they'll meander their ways through five minutes of setup, backtracking three or four times just to get to the end of a light bulb joke.

    The exception, of course, was the joke my mother told on the way through the door to my dad's funeral. That one, she nailed.

  4. I really, really like the movie Love Actually.
    I covered this one in the Christmas Comedy Encyclopedia for Cracked, but it bears repeating: That scene where Bill Nighy goes to his producer on Christmas Eve so that he won't have to spend the holiday alone? I get so choked up there. It's ridiculous.

  5. I have seen neither Commando nor Predator.
    And yet, I love to shout "Get to the choppah!" at every conceivable opportunity.

So there you have it: Five things that you probably didn't know about me, but most likely could've guessed if you somehow had to.

And one day, you will have to.

BONUS MEME: The Algorithm Revealed!

Over at Random Panels, Brandon Bragg has dared to investigate the extent of my sinister master plan for total internet domination!

I will have vengeance!


Blogger Aaron said...

OK, so I read your little Cracked funny ha-ha Christmas bit. And you know, I gotta say, you're pretty spot on. I realize that - obviously - you're not trying to cover EVERY Christmas movie.

But man, there is a GLARING exception to this list.

The greatest Christmas movie ever...

A steadfast tradition at the Rushton household (along with the "Christmas With the Joker" episode of Batman: The Animated Series, God Bless Bruce Timm)...

Die Hard.

What the hell were you thinking? You left out DIE HARD.

12/28/2006 2:32 AM

Blogger Aaron said...

I mean really. Defend that shit. I dare you.

12/28/2006 2:33 AM

Anonymous Fiendenstein said...

"Get to the choppah" wasnt that from Predator?

12/28/2006 2:40 AM

Blogger Dotan said...

Never seen Commando???
If you'd written "I'm actually an armadillo", I would have been less stunned. A more ISB-friendly movie would be mathematically impossible.

12/28/2006 6:06 AM

Anonymous luke said...

fiendenstein is right, dude. "Get to the choppah!" is from Predator. It also has such great shoutable lines as "I'm here! Kill me! DO EET NOW!" and "Whats the matter? The CIA got you pushing too many pencils?!"

12/28/2006 6:48 AM

Blogger Philip Looney said...

And I didn't tag you for that five things meme because I figured you were too prime time to be bothered with such nonsense.

Commando does not have anything all that memorable about it like "Get to the choppah!", so you're not missing a whole lot.

12/28/2006 8:29 AM

Blogger Brett said...

The only Commando line I remember is the 'Remember when I said I kill you last....' line. Otherwise pretty forgettable really. Oh, he throws some circular saw blades around too. No polar bears are punched at all.

12/28/2006 9:42 AM

Blogger SallyP said...

That's ok Chris, I've never seen Commando either. However I HAVE seen the entire six hours of Pride and Prejudice. More than once. There are NO explosions.

12/28/2006 9:53 AM

Anonymous Jack Potts said...


You obviously didn't watch the unrated and uncut version of the BBC adaptation of the Jane Austen classic, "Pride & Extreme Prejudice."

In the version that I saw, when Lady Catherine de Bourgh confronted Elizabeth Bennet in the garden over Mr. Darcy, it was all kung fu badassery and face-melting explosions. It was kind of like "Kill Bill Vol. I" meets "The Day After," with cravats and bustles.

12/28/2006 10:11 AM

Blogger Greg said...

Commando was also written by Jeph Loeb, remember, so it has to be good! I'm very disappointed in you, Chris. This may ruin my ISB reading experience from now on.

12/28/2006 10:43 AM

Anonymous Gin Rummy said...

In regards to commando: There are no memorable lines but, you are missing a scene where Ahnuld throws a phone booth at some bad guys. A phone booth! That just screams ISB. When I first saw it I was shocked, lucky for me my friend was able to articulate my shock by saying, "Did...did he just throw a phone booth?

12/28/2006 10:53 AM

Anonymous connor o'carol said...

(Colonel John Matrix) Arnie tears a passenger seat out from a sports car he just jacked and makes the woman sit there and scream while he goes on a car chase.

Also, a priceless moment from the movie is when Arnie is going ape-shit in the mall and the security guard calls him "one gigantic motherfucker".

As a fun fact:

Commando II became the basis for an early draft of Predator 2 before being rewritten again and to become Die Hard.

12/28/2006 11:23 AM

Blogger Brandon said...

Oh No! You've revealed your plans to the world! It's only a matter of time before Campbell retaliates.

"Mit Extreme Prejooduss.!

12/28/2006 12:03 PM

Blogger Bill Reed said...

I can't believe you dissed both Last Action Hero and Jingle All the Way in that article. Those are Arnie's best two movies. And I'm deathly serious when I say this.

Grr. Argh.

12/28/2006 12:27 PM

Blogger Jeff Rients said...

I mean really. Defend that shit. I dare you.

aaron, we're talking about a man who deliberately omitted Batman from the Badass Week competition. Clearly his perfidy knows no bounds.

12/28/2006 1:52 PM

Anonymous Matt t. said...

The exception, of course, was the joke my mother told on the way through the door to my dad's funeral. That one, she nailed.

Is it insensitive of me to plead with you - please, please, please - tell this joke? It is, isn't it. Sorry.


12/28/2006 3:11 PM

Blogger creativename said...

Good God, all this talk of NOT seeing Commando, and no grief is given for his love of "Love Actually?"

I mean, sure, if the flick could be pared down to a 2 minute short of Bill Nighy and Tim from The Office, it'd be at least mildly amusing. But the sheer volume of boiling sulferous treacle you have to wade through to get to that point... for the love of Gawd, I know you're a pendulous-balled sadist, but I never realized you're also a pierced-sack masochist.

Good luck with your evil plan, by the way. I can't find a flaw, but Karnak, I'm not.

12/28/2006 5:44 PM

Blogger David Campbell said...

Ha! Hey everybody, I'VE seen Commando, and I loved it! Forget Sims - he's not one of you. Go with Cambell in 07

12/28/2006 5:57 PM

Blogger David Campbell said...

Fuck, you think I could spell my own name right. You win for now, Sims!

12/28/2006 5:58 PM

Anonymous Jack R. said...

...or that my heart was broken when I found out Roddy Piper isn't really from Scotland.

Wait...he WASN'T?

Sir you have broken my heart!

12/28/2006 6:31 PM

Blogger Chris Sims said...

You people realize that I write these things late at night, and often under the influence of a truly heroic amount of alcohol, right? Suffice to say, I actually did mean to write "Predator," but Kevin and some guys were going on about Commando yesterday and it worked its way in there. I have seen neither, although I almost bought Commando for $5.50 at Wal-Mart today. I should probably edit that.

As for you, Aaron, let's take a look at your statement:

What the hell were you thinking? You left out DIE HARD. I mean really. Defend that shit. I dare you.

Aaron, I assure you that my love of Die Hard is second to none, but unfortunately, it's usually classified as an Action movie, what with Bruce Willis violently killing everyone.

This wouldn't normally be a problem, except that the article I wrote is about Christmas Comedies. I can totally see how you missed that little fact, since it's called "The Christmas Comedy Encyclopedia," which is written at the top of every page in a very large font at a site that claims to be "The Comedy Website," and all the other movies discussed therein are comedies.

Clearly, my oversight is indefensible.

12/28/2006 10:00 PM

Blogger Kevin Church said...

...a truly heroic amount of alcohol...

Talk to me when you've got Knob Creek bottles with days of the week written on them.

12/28/2006 10:25 PM

Blogger Aaron said...

You're telling me Die Hard isn't hilarious?

Some Die Hard fan you are.

12/28/2006 10:52 PM

Anonymous Loren said...

I really loved Love, Actually, too. I'm gay so I might have an excuse there. but, I really, really loved it.

12/29/2006 12:08 AM

Blogger Carrie said...

I also love Love Actually, so much that I only allow myself to watch it during the Christmas season lest I get tired of it. But then, I'm a total girl.

12/29/2006 12:20 AM

Blogger Chris Sims said...

But then, I'm a total girl.

I have only written one letter to a comic book in my entire life, and that was to Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane. Sometimes I'm amazed that I don't just put on a frilly dress and have a tea party every day.

But then I go write about comics where people punch sharks, so it all tends to work out pretty well.

12/29/2006 1:22 AM

Blogger Philip Looney said...

>>Sometimes I'm amazed that I don't just put on a frilly dress and have a tea party every day.

I now have this mental image of you in a pink balarena outfit, sitting around a tiny table with stuffed animals, saying in a high pitched British accent "WOuld you care for some more tea Mr. Fropit?"

12/29/2006 8:57 AM

Blogger Chance said...

And then when Mr. Fropit refuses the offer of tea, Chris totally kicks Mr. Fropit right in his furry face.

12/29/2006 11:13 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Never seen Commando? You're missing out...

Not only does Arnold kill hundreds of people...this movie is so awesome that he actually kills some of them twice! (Arnold kills so many people that they must have run out of extras and had to use them over again)

Also, if you slow-motion the car crash you'll see a body flying out of the car, only to moments later see Arnold sitting in the car- apparently unfazed by his hundred mile an hour impact with a tree.


12/29/2006 11:44 AM

Blogger Carrie said...

For what it's worth, my father also likes Love Actually, and he's a 6'4" ex-marine.

He'd probably like Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane, too.

12/29/2006 1:29 PM

Anonymous Lorene said...

I'll always remember "Love, Actually" for the scene where Emma Thompson opens up the gift her lying, cheating, no-good bastard husband gave her. She thinks it's the expensive necklace she inadvertantly discovered in his pocket. We as the audience know he bought it for his mistress, but the implication for some is that he changed his mind and decided to give it to his wife.

Roomful of men and women watching this movie (I can't remember how we convinced a bunch of men to watch it), and the men are all, "See, he's not such a cheating bastard after all." And every single woman in the room rolled her eyes and said, "You're delusional." Sure enough, the gift is NOT the necklace but instead... a Joni Mitchell CD. Ack!

For the record, quite a few guys admitted to liking the movie... when there were no other men around.

12/29/2006 6:21 PM

Blogger Chris Sims said...

To be fair, Lorene, he is the villain from Die Hard. Skullduggery is to be expected.

12/29/2006 9:44 PM

Anonymous Lorene said...

To be fair, Lorene, he is the villain from Die Hard. Skullduggery is to be expected.

And he cancelled Christmas. Obviously, the man can't be trusted.

12/30/2006 7:44 PM

Blogger Chris Sims said...

And have you seen how he treats Harry Potter?

12/30/2006 11:13 PM

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