Christmas Special: The Most Highly Implausible Christmas Of Them All!
One of my holiday traditions around the ISB--which is a pretty easy distinction to make since I've only been at this for two years--is that I like to set aside one of my Christmas comic reviews and take a special request from one of my loyal readers. Last year, it was Spencer's request for an in-depth look at the senior citizen sex shennanigans and old fashioned holiday cheer of Starman #27, but this year, we turn to Gorjus, who writes...
Hey! I KNOW you have the Legion issue where Superboy gets them to find that "special star" . . . you've referenced it before! Please, please, please, review that issue!!
Well, Gorjus, I hate to ruin Christmas for you, but unfortunately, the tabloid-size DC Special Series #21 is not among my collection. So unfortunately, I'm going to have to--wait!
A copy of A DC Universe Christmas in trade paperback?! Why... It's a Christmas Miracle!
Ah, the Yuletide Cheer of outer spaaaaace! Written by Paul Levitz--who you might remember from my previous discussions as one of the Legion of Super-Heroes writers--with art by the phenomenal Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez, this was probably the first Legion story I ever read, and even with Bizarro Computo, it still ranks as one of the strangest.
It opens, as these things tend to do, with Superboy flying through the time barrier to the far-off world of 2979, which means he's finally realized that time travel allows for him to experience Christmas every single day of his life. Once there, he swings by Mon-El, who's casually standing guard with a future space rifle, apparently having forgotten that he's indestructable and can fly and punch through a planet. Or maybe he's just really, really lazy after spending a thousand years in the Phantom Zone.
Either way, he bids a cheery hello to Superboy and then goes about his business, leaving Superboy to get a kiss under the mistletoe from super-hot mid-70s Phantom Girl--in all her widow's-peak-and-pigtails glory--before meeting up with Saturn Girl in the monitor room for a quick lesson on how folks celebrate Christmas in Outer Spaaaaace! And that's right about where things start to break down.
Why? Because right after explaining how Chameleon Boy is a godless heathen who spends Christmas patrolling around the galaxy, we're treated to a shot of Collossal Boy celebrating Hanukkah with his folks:
In case you missed it, Collossal Boy is:
- Wearing his costume, and...
- Kicking it with his family while he is THIRTY FEET TALL.
The first one, I'll give him, as I'm pretty sure appearing in public out of uniform is one of the nine-thousand things you can be kicked out of the Legion for under their amazingly draconian bylaws, but really, Gim, it's a holiday! Quit showin' off!
Of course, if that menorah's also huge and not just a weird perspective thing, than it could just be a matter of practicality, but that begs the question of just where the Allon family got a twenty-foot tall menorah unless he brought it with him, and that brings us right back to square one.
Maybe it's best to move on, especially considering that Superboy's been spending the last four panels on the verge of flipping out:
Wait for it...
Behold! The face of madness!
Yes, despite the fact that pretty much everybody else in the Legion thinks it's a lousy idea, Superboy eventually convinces them that they've got nothing better to do than go look for the Star of Bethlehem. So, with a handful of historical records and Lightning Lad's incredibly boring skill at star-chart navigation, the Legionnaires hop in a cruiser and come out of Hyperspace to find... well, a fat lot of nothin', really.
Instead of a star, they find themselves in orbit around a small planet that's experiencing the beginning of an ice age, and with a quick bit of investigation, they find that three of the planet's dominant species (yes, three dominant species) are in imminent danger of becoming extinct. And by "imminent," I mean, "like within the next twelve hours."
Fortunately, the sum total of the planet's population at this point--spread out among fish-men, mutant Smurfs, and the bastard children of Foghorn Leghorn--numbers at about twenty, maybe thirty, and so Superboy's able to cram them all in a cave where they can help each other out and survive until the UP arrives to evacuate them.
Thus, the Christmas of the Future is saved, and we all get a nice reminder of how hot the girls of the Legion were back then.
So yeah. This time, the inappropriateness is pretty much all me. Sorry about that.
More Fun With the Legion of Super-Heroes
| Revolt of the Girl Legionnaires |
| Just So You Know... |
| The Crank File: Adventure #303 |
| Just So We're Clear On This... |
| Jimmy Olsen: Chick Magnet... of the Future! |
| The Superboy Sound Effect Showdown |
| Superboy Prime is Entering a World of Pain |
| Badass Week Finale: The Toughest Woman in Comics |
| Can Nothing Stop Computo?! |
| Profiles in Courage: Evillo |
| ¡Viva La Super-Pet Revolucion! |