Civil War in 30 Seconds
Spoiler Warning: I'm about to save you twenty-five bucks.
And that's why Spider-Man's wearing his black costume.
(As always with this sort of thing, a tip of the hat to Rich Burlew, whose art style I ripped off entirely. He's much better at it.)
More Of the Same:
| Infinite Crisis in 30 Seconds |
| Civil War #1-3: The Poem |
| The 30 Second Recap Contest |
posted by Chris Sims at 2/21/2007 11:59:00 PM
231 Comments:
As lame as Civil War #7 is (and it is for soooo many reasons) I say that this weeks Illuminati out lames it...
The Watcher: You were my hero Reed! Now I've got nuthin!
Reed: I'm sorry dude. Hows about I make sure to give each of my buddies one of the most powerful weapons in the universe. For us to guard. And never use. NO MATTER WHAT...
2/22/2007 3:57 AM
wow, thanks for saving me the time of reading it! i've been avoiding civil war like a plague... guess that was a good idea.
2/22/2007 4:27 AM
So...contrived.
So...poorly thought out.
So...abrupt!
So...ARGH!
2/22/2007 4:46 AM
Wow, that was glorious. Your post I mean, not the actual comic. I was thinking of picking up the upcoming trade but... nah.
2/22/2007 4:52 AM
Oh, man... Brilliant!
2/22/2007 5:21 AM
That may well have been the best thing you've ever drawn.
I love the "HEY! CRIMINALS!" And the look on Cap's face.
I second Nirmal. I'm glad I waited for the Sims version of Civil War, instead of reading the original.
2/22/2007 5:23 AM
Thanks for taking something as depressing as Civil War nd making it almost worthwhile.
2/22/2007 5:41 AM
The "Whose Side Are you On?" panel should be a t-shirt.
2/22/2007 6:54 AM
I like Hercules' triumphant removal of Clor's windup key. Good stuff, Sims!
2/22/2007 7:03 AM
Heh. And to think I was debating whether or not to pick up the trade.
Thanks for saving me money!
2/22/2007 7:26 AM
OMG EVERYONE LOOK AT THE LAST PANEL: ITS BATMAN WITH HIS CAR BATTERY!!!
2/22/2007 7:53 AM
And he even got in a "douchebag", harkening back to Infinite Crisis in 30 Seconds! Brilliant!
There was really no other way for Civil War to end, was there? I mean, what was Cap going to do? Overthrow the government and put Reed and Tony in the Negative Zone? Nobody ever mentioned a plan for after battle.
2/22/2007 8:24 AM
Seriously? &$&%* seriously? *That's* what happens?
I bought a few issues of this dreck and was pretty clearly done with it anyway, but you've probably saved me from wasting seconds of my life flipping through #7 on the stands...
2/22/2007 8:33 AM
Brilliant, and the art's better than in the real thing too!
2/22/2007 8:41 AM
You know...it's probably not a good thing that a universe-spanning, multi-issue mega event can be summed up in a few crayon-drawn panels...AND BE SO MUCH BETTER!
2/22/2007 8:56 AM
That's twenty five bucks I can use to catch up on Cassanova now (since I was apparently mistaken about not liking the first issue.
2/22/2007 9:04 AM
That's twenty five bucks I can use to catch up on Cassanova now (since I was apparently mistaken about not liking the first issue.
2/22/2007 9:04 AM
stupid evil twin, double posting like an online echo.
2/22/2007 9:05 AM
Holy crap. I haven't followed a company crossover event since the Amalgam thingy. Am I to understand that the series ends because Captain effin' America gives up?!? That's terrible beyond words.
(BTW, I totally got that cyborg murderclone Thor was sporting a wind-up key. That was awesome.)
2/22/2007 9:19 AM
I paid full price for the first issue. All right. Then I quit. Then I fished a couple more out of the quarter bins--why were they a quarter already? I figure someone had a fit and spiked an issue like a football mid-read. I've spent a total of maybe 3.74 on Civil War and I still feel robbed.
2/22/2007 9:38 AM
"Am I to understand that the series ends because Captain effin' America gives up?!? That's terrible beyond words."
I guess that A on his head *does* stand for France.
2/22/2007 9:39 AM
Well played Mr Sims.
The last three panels = genius.
2/22/2007 9:56 AM
I laughed a bit too loudly when I saw the wind-up key.
DAMN, that was funny!
Every last bit of that was genius.
Well freakin' done.
~P~
P-TOR
p.s.:
Oh!
It reminds me, a little... of THIS:
http://nebula.on.ca/frogcrisis/cvd.html
(Champions vs Defenders animation by Greg Hyland -of Lethargic Lad fame)
I love that thing.
(I just wish I knew how to save it to disk for future enjoyment.)
2/22/2007 10:11 AM
Thank god I stopped collecting in 1989* (ok, minus the part where my stopping coincided with Miracle Man 14 being the last issue I bought).
*and by stopped I mean I have been on hiatus,** just plotting my return.
** and by hiatus I mean I have bought a few trades here and there.
2/22/2007 10:16 AM
Fantastic, Mr. Sims!
I love these "Emperor's New Clothes" moments the comic book bloggers are uniquely qualified to pull off....few as brilliantly as "Civil War in 30 Seconds", though.
2/22/2007 10:30 AM
I'll say this for Civil War; it does a better job of living up to the "nothing will ever be the same" hype than any of DC's seemingly infinite Crisisisis, which all seem to be reconned out of significance before the ink is even dry. Rather than a being a big reset buttton, Civil War really does change the landscape of the Marvel Universe and open up a myriad of character-driven story paths. Who toes the line? Who chafes under the yoke. Who stays underground? It could be fun, but will it last?
Of course, with all of Marvel's characters optioned for movies, I expect everything will come to resemble the old status quo before too long.
This whole thing would have been more palatable as an Alternate Universe or What If? story. There are already 6 or 7 different Marvel Universes being regularly published (Is Max considered its own universe?) so what's one more?
I wonder; A decade from now will ripples from either Infinite Crisis or Civil War still be felt? I suspect IC will be thought of as the crossover that launched 52. Too soon to tell on Civil War.
2/22/2007 10:33 AM
you forgot ONE panel. the one where miram sharpe stands around explaining that HER kid is more important than the other 599 people who died and she needs everyone to bend over backwards for her and her newfound (and seemingly enjoyed) celebrity.
and where tony quips that she is the best lay he has had in a long time.
seriously, was he humping her? and could she be a more loathesome and egotistical woman?
2/22/2007 11:39 AM
Here's the big significant difference between DC and Marvel:
DC has big major time-and-space shattering crossover events every 10 years, in a futile attempt the continuity errors that have cropped up since the LAST retcon. The key heroes (Superman, Batman) stay mostly the same, it's just the universe and history around them that change. The ultimate expression of this is Kingdom Come (which I love, don't get me wrong): Clark is still Clark, Bruce is still Bruce, Diana is still Diana. But they're in a world they can no longer call theirs yadda yadda yadda.
It's sort of like an inverse "Dr. Who."
Marvel, on the other hand, prefers to screw with its characters within the confines of their own comics, turning what was once an enjoyable funnybook into a super-powered soap opera: Cyclops cheats on his wife with Emma Frost. Mary Jane leaves Peter. People die and come back so many times that death and sacrifice are rendered meaningless. In fact, despite (or perhaps because of) the soapiness, nothing of real import happens character-wise that isn't undone in a year, tops.
Now, I know there are exceptions to both examples -- Knightfall and House of M spring readily to mind -- but on the whole, I think we can define the two big companies thusly:
DC: Etch-a-Sketch continuity
Marvel: Spandex Soaps.
Verification word: Wlaui -- the sound I made trying to get the taste of Civil War out of my mouth.
2/22/2007 11:47 AM
PS to Kyle: Miriam Sharpe is clearly meant to be the Cindy Sheehan of the Marvel Universe.
2/22/2007 12:00 PM
Wow, you draw fast! Marvel should totally put you on the payroll...you draw circles around this McNiven fella, and your designs are cuter. (How cool would it have been if, in CW #4 when everyone was stainding around thinking "What the hell's Thor doing here?", if there was a dramatic shot of him turning slightly to reveal a giant wind up key in his back).
2/22/2007 12:08 PM
Now, what the fuck is up with that picture on your wall. Is that Batman...holding a car battery over his head...?
2/22/2007 12:09 PM
Well played Sims...well played.
Incidentally, if you want high comedy go on over to the Newsarama Blog and see Millar's carping abou thte ending. He says that the only way for it to end was that Cap would realize that "Iron Man was right". Go fascism!
2/22/2007 12:49 PM
Fried comedy gold!
2/22/2007 12:51 PM
"PS to Kyle: Miriam Sharpe is clearly meant to be the Cindy Sheehan of the Marvel Universe."
oh i know. i mean, how could i not. she was more heavy handed than anything else in that book. but cindy (annoyingly stuckup as she was) wasnt HALF as annoying as this woman. and she didnt come off as a cheap whore.
i mean, am i the only one that read that relationship as more than just "talking"? and since when did people like her start rollin on the Helicarrier? oh yeah. since they started sleeping with the Director
2/22/2007 1:18 PM
as much as I hated 5 issues of this series and found his funny I gotta say I liked the ending.
every fanboy is going to kill me now.
2/22/2007 1:26 PM
Brilliant.
2/22/2007 1:29 PM
The only thing that would make it better is if it was re-enacted by bunnies :D
2/22/2007 1:51 PM
This was really great. I'm glad I avoided this whole mess...
2/22/2007 1:54 PM
Anonymous said...
"Am I to understand that the series ends because Captain effin' America gives up?!? That's terrible beyond words."
I guess that A on his head *does* stand for France.
If I made a comment this brilliant, I would not be posting anonymously.
2/22/2007 2:57 PM
Anonymous said...
"Am I to understand that the series ends because Captain effin' America gives up?!? That's terrible beyond words."
I guess that A on his head *does* stand for France.
If I made a comment this brilliant, I would not be posting anonymously.
2/22/2007 3:01 PM
Now, what the fuck is up with that picture on your wall. Is that Batman...holding a car battery over his head...?
Read, and be enlightened.
2/22/2007 3:21 PM
I just like how you anticipated our question about the wind-up key in the first panel. Nicely done, sir.
2/22/2007 3:26 PM
Sims, you are America's last hero.
I like how "relevance" in superhero comics now means quoting the 1992 Vice PResidential debates.
2/22/2007 3:29 PM
That's brilliant and deserves many a boisterous bwahaha. Pure comedy gold.
Thanks for saving me money on the issues and the trade. Gah, can't believe it ended like that.
2/22/2007 3:40 PM
Ian - try the 1988 Vice Presidential debate! Yes, Millar is four years less relevant than you thought!
2/22/2007 3:41 PM
Hmm...this many comments and no haters saying how wrong Chris is to mock the innovative story-telling of the "Millar"?
interesting...
2/22/2007 3:44 PM
I really want to believe that Sims does have a large portrait of Batman flinging a car-battery hanging over his mantle.
I wonder if Ultimates Vol. 2 #13 will now feature the team giving up and handing the country over to Loki & the terrorists because they were "wrong" too.
2/22/2007 4:19 PM
Ha! Now that's funny!
2/22/2007 4:34 PM
I call bogus on Millar's blog entry. This was the story that Marvel said again and again that wouldn't portray one or other side as "right".
Apparently, that means that one side (Cap) will be played as self-evidently right, until the end when the fascists win. :/
2/22/2007 4:54 PM
Nice work. I think history will show that it was Chris Sims who fought Hitler.
2/22/2007 4:58 PM
Oh, man. I want to weep over the beauty of this. I'm pretty sure I haven't even thought about Bishop since eleventh grade.
2/22/2007 5:39 PM
Awesome 30 second comic..lol
Civil War had the most anticlimatic ending in comic history.
Good thing Captain America didn't have this view during WWII. Yeah, Hitler's bad, but let's quit for the real estate.
Richard
http://1rightopinion-comics.blogspot.com/
2/22/2007 5:45 PM
Mentally I pictured Luke Skywalker coming back and cutting off Iron Man's head, like he did Vader in the Haunted Tree on Dagobah scene - only to have the mask blow off to reveal Dr. Doom. (As I recall, the original Star Wars adaptations were published in the Mighty Marvel Manner back in the 70's.) Everyone realizes they've had another comic-style near miss thanks to nefarious forces, and we're safe again - but for how long????
This, however, is frickin' awesome. All that's missing is a random panel with Nick Fury fighting Namor underwater with laser harpoons, cigar still lit. Just because it would be double frickin' awesome that way.
verification - "dwxkzpbe" - the sound effect laser harpoons make underwater.
2/22/2007 6:31 PM
@#$&ing awesome, as always, Mr. Sims. I think I woke up most of my apartment complex reading that this morning.
By the way, for all those commenting that Miriam Sharpe is boning Tony, just remember that her son's name is Damien, she's been behind the scenes for all of this, and Tony basically says to her "we've done all of this for you."
If she doesn't turn out to be Mephisto in the next year or two, I'll eat my hat*.
*I won't actually eat my hat
2/22/2007 7:10 PM
Well, it looks like I was wrong about the ending.
I really wish I spent the Civil War money on lapdances. After reading #7 I feel like it would've been better spent that way. And it would've dealt an equal level of payoff for the build up.
Big picture though, it did what Marvel Editorial set out to do. It set the stage for the next 2-3 years with of story arcs in many of their books. Beyond that... meh.
2/22/2007 7:17 PM
Ha. great read.
your version anyways,
2/22/2007 7:25 PM
Nice Photon!
Would it be too much too ask for a Sims created monthly comic featuring her further adventures?
Or maybe a Haney'd up NEXTWAVE/OMAC crossover?
2/22/2007 7:36 PM
The new Marvel saying:
With great power comes a legally binding duty to join up or face lifetime imprisonment.
That's just inspiring.
2/22/2007 8:00 PM
I love Daredevil's glowing fist on that cover.
Does anyone else see Civil War's ending as pretty much the same as Mark Gruenwald's Squadron Supreme series, only with the wrong moral?
2/22/2007 10:03 PM
Hmmmmm... Interesting comment about Squadron Supreme. Could it be that 616 is their bizarro universe?
2/22/2007 11:29 PM
It's official- I'm madly in like with you, Christopher Sims!
(I just wish I had read this before going into work today and actually reading #7. Seriously, what the hell??)
Verification word: gxjekauk, which was the logic catching in my throat as I tried to figure out what the hell Daredevil is doing in this mini-series.
2/22/2007 11:56 PM
Does it say anything that I liked your version of Civil War WAY MORE than the actual Civil War?
WHAT??!?!? Indeed.
2/23/2007 1:27 AM
Dude, I was so very bummed out over this whole thing, but you've made my day. Thanks for making something fun come out of Civil Bore.
2/23/2007 3:24 AM
Fuckin awesome.
Civil War went from awesome to shit. Marvel ought to use you as a consultant on these big events from now on.
2/23/2007 5:57 AM
Re: Panel 7 (the Hank Pym panel)--
You're welcome.
2/23/2007 7:02 AM
LOL!
Great stuff!
2/23/2007 12:01 PM
You're my Hero... and I mean that honestly! being dissapointed by Civil War's finale and Millar's craptacular writing, you have made me smile about this debacle! ^_^
2/23/2007 12:30 PM
I loved Civil War something fierce, but you still did an awesome job. This would make a great DVD-Style extra in the TPB.
2/23/2007 6:06 PM
that took a lot longer to read than 30 seconds..
2/25/2007 2:12 PM
Anonymous said...
that took a lot longer to read than 30 seconds..
Read faster.
2/25/2007 6:05 PM
You should have included that Nextwave Civil War parody cover with Machine Man or someone holding the placard "Mark Millar Lick Goats"!
Still, an awesome post is this.
2/25/2007 6:36 PM
brilliant! :D
2/26/2007 1:39 PM
saying that Mark Millar is a "craptacular" writer because you didn't like how he chose to end civil war is kind of like saying that you will now hate ALL kinds of pizza because pizza that has anchovies on it tastes kinda gross.
2/26/2007 3:41 PM
>>saying that Mark Millar is a "craptacular" writer because you didn't like how he chose to end civil war is kind of like saying that you will now hate ALL kinds of pizza because pizza that has anchovies on it tastes kinda gross.
I didn't see anywhere in this post where Chris said that.
I did see an awesome drawing of Monica LeBeau in her NextWave digs. HIGH FIVE!
2/26/2007 4:15 PM
I have to admit that your version is a lot better than the original, makes more sense.
2/26/2007 5:41 PM
When I read "Infinite Crisis in 30 Seconds", I literally laughed until I cried.
I didn't expect that to happen again.
I was wrong. :-D
"qcqikhh" - my verification and the sound of me trying to get my breath back.
2/26/2007 6:03 PM
philip looney: I wasn't referring to anything that Chris said, I was referring to a comment made by a blogger, and using his comment to illustrate that a lot of people who didn't like the ending to civil war are a bit too quick to criticize Mark Millar.
2/26/2007 6:03 PM
Oh, this is so awesome. I have been struggling to read all of Civil War and related tie-ins, but this has really saved me some time. So hilarious.
2/27/2007 9:55 AM
Well done, Chris -- and thanks for saving me all that money!
2/27/2007 11:27 AM
I don't see how Millar can be defended regarding Civil War. Reading the Newsrama interview, he just seems stupid. He actually writes the characterization in CW is appropriate to the early versions. His memory must be useless.
2/27/2007 11:42 AM
Thank you, thank you! This is public service blogging! Please, please, please do this for all DC/Marvel mega crossovers in the future. I'll have more joy, more money and still have a clue as to what the big picture is beyond those series I'm really interested in...What's in it for you, you ask? Well, eventually, when you amusing synopsises bite into their trade sales they'll offer you money to stop...
2/27/2007 6:41 PM
Loved this.
It was a great retelling of Civil War.
Great job.
2/27/2007 11:50 PM
That was awesome and sooooooooooo much better then the actual books
thanks!
2/28/2007 10:57 PM
This was predicated on a lot of great heroes suddenly turning into douchebags, and then the side that stayed cool wussed out in the end because individual rights apparently aren't all that important. Lot of great individual moments, but the overall whole was just crap.
I feel like we're back in the Clone Saga, once again waiting for Marvel to pull its head out of its ass. And I won't be rewarding these titles with my dollars in the meantime. I refused to buy #7, or the final Frontline. They don't deserve my money for this.
This is like coming home and finding someone just masturbated all over my favorite books.
3/01/2007 1:41 AM
I think it takes something like the simplicity of crayon drawings to really accurately point out how awful this comic was and how terrible Millar's characterizations were.
My head is killing me, so I'm not sure if what I'm saying makes sense, but this was really great.
So, this = great, Civil War = awful.
3/01/2007 10:04 AM
This is genius. Can't wait for 52 in 30 Seconds.
3/01/2007 7:30 PM
C'mon guys, just because it has a crappy ending doesn't mean that Civil War sucks.
Civil War is a great story arc, Cap's goin nuts, Spidey unmasked at public, Black Goliath's death, etc. Just because y'all are DC fanboys doesn't mean you have to bash it >____>
Anyways, I love your work man. And yes, WHAT? indeed.
3/15/2007 1:51 PM
DC=Mindless crap for kids under 3 years old only
Marvel=Complex story, complex character personality, enjoyable for readers of all ages
So Superman can kiss my ass, Wonder Woman can suck my dick (love to) and Lex Luthor can be my door mat
3/15/2007 1:54 PM
Umm...
y'all are kidding about civil war being readable, right?
PLEASE tell me you're kidding!
3/22/2007 1:35 PM
No, I'm not kidding. I really enjoy Civil War storyline arc (well, except for the ending though)
3/22/2007 9:14 PM
Marvel=Awesome
DC=Shit
I'm a Marvel fanboy and I'm proud to admit it.
3/22/2007 9:17 PM
Honestly, if it said "so they can be turned into slaves of the government and forced to fight against their will against whomever I say is a villain" instead of "so that can be properly trained and held accountable," I would make the "Whose Side are You On?" panel a t-shirt in a heartbeat.
4/03/2007 10:32 PM
DC = Hereos fighting villains
Marvel = Heroes fighting heroes
(References: See Avengers Disassembled, House of M, Civil War, Planet Hulk, and whatever comes after Planet Hulk that Quesada's replacement uses to undo Civil War)
4/03/2007 11:04 PM
Hey, you've certainly touched the right cord on this. Even if I'm not a fan of this comic, I had a big laugh thanks to you.
Keep the good job going on.
4/04/2007 8:38 AM
Of course you wouldn't like the ending to Civil war, America died like in real life! No one wants that bummer of real life staring down their fantasies of a land of the free.
4/12/2007 6:38 AM
My catchphrase lately has been, "I still love you, Tony!"
Mostly because I really, really can't believe that the mess of a character presented as Tony throughout most of Civil War is actually the real Tony Stark. I mean, Tony's fucked up big time before--it's one of his main talents--but he's never been a fascist asshole, and generally the only person he expects to get hurt when he does stupid shit is himself.
What happened to the guy who was willing to break the law to keep his own dangerous technology out of the government's (and anyone else's) hands? What happened to the guy who flipped out over causing the death of Whiplash?
I vote it's Iron Maniac. With synthetic skin to cover up, you know, the extensive scarring.
No, I'm not just hoping desperately that the heroic Tony Stark who's been around for decades will somehow be able to come back and kick the crap out of this version of himself. Really.
4/12/2007 2:12 PM
I actually liked civil war until the end. Of course i didnt pay money for it. I read it in .dbr so i could skipp the mind-numbingly boring parts.
Since when was Tony Stark thgis much of a TOOL? 30 years of comics reading and Tony Stark has been a sellout and a yuppie but never like this. Never has he turned into an "end justify the means" type of fascist.
So im reading along in .cbr having all the issues and then the end just drops like ton of bullshit. It really feels like the guy just got writer's block and his editor told hijm "just wrap it up" Made no sense, resovled none of the conflicts... WTF? What a total LoAd.
This piece of crap never would have hit press when Stan was still The Man.
4/16/2007 8:16 PM
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7/11/2007 7:10 AM
"DC=Mindless crap for kids under 3 years old only
Marvel=Complex story, complex character personality, enjoyable for readers of all ages"
Really, Read 52 and say that again. Look i like marvel and dc alike. But overall DC is the better company. There was a time when marvel was one cutting edge and they did have better complex stories then DC. But that time has passed and the time im talking about was when Stan Lee was in charge and Joe Quesada is no Stan Lee. Now marvel is lamer then its ever been. The fact they have to turn the Marvel U into a big political fight and turns there characters into crap version of there former selfs. Show just how lame they really are. At least DC cares about the status of there characters. You wont see Superman turning into the jackass Iron Man or Mr Fantastic have and you wont see Batman Unmask himself. DC is better because it dose for the most part they turns out better stories then Marvel and they still believe that Super-Heroes should fight BAD GUY. Like i dont know the way its suspose to be. One best Civil War tie in was Wolverine and guess what he did. He went after the bad guy. Wow isnt that a interesting idea. Overall Civil War sucked. For one you didnt even know what was going on with alot of the characters and in order for you to find out had to read the 500 tie-in to understand it. Secondly every time the made refference to the real world or the Super-hero community or "Were lucky that they allowed us to this as long as we have" Bullcrap i had to roll my eyes. I hate the break this to the people at marvel. But the Marvel U isnt the Real World. Most people who read Super-Hero comics dont read them for Realism. Infact it would be safe to say its the exact opposite. Overall marvel is only a shell of its former shelf and the faster Joe Quesada leaves the better.
7/11/2007 4:32 PM
what a sorry state of affairs! all the so called "talent " on these storylines should just hand over there citizenship cards now!
7/12/2007 5:44 PM
Very interesting!
8/04/2007 10:40 AM
Very good and interesting post, thank you.
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9/04/2007 4:21 PM
That was great! I particularly loved the panel with Reed, Bishop and She-Hulk.
9/13/2007 2:47 PM
Thanks for the nice post!
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11/23/2016 10:47 AM
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12/01/2016 12:15 AM
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12/01/2016 12:16 AM
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1/16/2017 2:50 AM
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3/27/2017 8:11 PM
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3/27/2017 8:28 PM
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