Chris's Invincible Super-Blog

Despite the recent delays in the posting schedule here on the ISB, time and tide wait for no man, especially where the wonderfully atrocious adventures of everyone's third-favorite Vampire Hunter are concerned.

And that's why our crack research department leapt into action with last week's release of Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter #5, even going so far as to look up one (1) thing on Wikipedia--the human race's greatest repository of pro wrestling holds and anime-based knowledge--in an effort to explain just what the heck is supposed to be going on in this thing.

It's an exhausting process, I assure you, but it must be done. Grab a copy of your own and follow along!

1.1: This issue opens up directly after the events of #4, with the story pausing only long enough for Anita to grab a shower, which apparently has the effect of washing every last bit of pigmentation out of her skin. Except, of course, for her scars, which tend to look like oddly-placed grape juice rorschach tests.

1.5: Anita's weapon of choice for this issue is the compact "Firestar 9mm." Unfortunately, this particular handgun was never covered in my definitive firearm reference, Punisher Armory, and so no further information is available.

1.6: Oh what is this?

Yes, in an effort to blend in while still packing heat, Anita apparently decides that it's a good idea to walk around in public sporting a white nightshirt, black bike shorts, and a pair of Nikes with Flashdance-esque rolled down socks. The fact that she's willing to risk direct sunlight on so much of her clown-white skin could be further indication of her developing super-powers.

2.5: Is this Anita's boss Bert Vaughn (described in previous panels as "a scalawag") or Crack Stuntman, the voice of Gunhaver on TV's Cheat Commandos?

U-DECIDE!

5.4:

That's what she said.

5.6: In a scene that kicks off here and runs for the next three pages, Anita--whose head appears to be in imminent danger of being devoured wholesale by her own Slashlike hair--tries to talk some albino gothtard's equally pallid, elfin mother out of letting him join the ranks of the Living Dead. At first, this might seem like she's worrying way too much about this guy, but once you realize that she's doing her level best to keep the world from having to deal with some whiny, immortal emo kid, you start to realize that Anita might not be that bad after all.

9.4: Hey everybody, it's Phillip!

For those of you whose long-term memories were irrepairably damaged by the sight of the Wererat King and his Daisy Dukes, Phillip's a male stripper and vampire fetishist from way back in #1. He's slightly less manly than the Oxygen television network, and--like every other supporting character in the book thus far--will be playing the role of Anita's codependent sidekick for the duration of his appearance.

10.5 - 10.7: For a more enjoyable experience, you can replace Phillip's dialogue here with pretty much any line from Top Gun.

Seriously, here's the original (click for more legible images):

And now, improved:

And again:

...and one more time, because I could seriously do this all night:

11.2: In the midst of her customary facial spasms, Anita spends a lot of time over the next few pages worrying about whether or not she's hurt Phillip's feelings, then deciding that she doesn't care, then worrying some more, and then deciding that she does care, and then buying him lunch. Her constant struggles with indecision would echo Hamlet's if Hamlet was, y'know, really, really shitty.

15.2: At last, Anita throws in some kung fu! And while I can't find a bit of fault with her technique, one is left wondering why her opponent--who has the thighs of a praying mantis--doesn't just leap to the safety of a nearby rooftop.

16.5: According to Anita, a "Freak" is "someone who likes vampires." I point this out only so that everyone knows that I'm not making a joke at the expense of Laurell K. Hamilton's readership here.

22.4: Although it's not made clear by anything other than the fact that Anita's wearing a different shirt with slightly different--and yet, no less annoying--penguin cartoons on it, this panel is actually the beginning of a flashback sequence that closes out this issue.

23.1: