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Sunday, April 30, 2006

Rule Number One for Successful Barbarian Living

You are Hrothgar the Strong, mightiest of all Vanirmen. You proved yourself in combat as early as your eleventh summer, taking down a foul dog of the Aesir more than twice your size.

Your weapons are sharp, your sword-arm is strong, and scores of enemies have fallen beneath your deadly blade. You are an unstoppable engine of rage and destruction set against the enemies of your people.

And then you decided to fuck with Conan.

This was not a good decision on your part.

Rule Number One for Successful Barbarian Living: If at all possible, be Conan.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I remembered seeing that image in Previews, before the book came out, and saying "sweet" or something to that effect...

... but still, when I came to it -in- the book itself, I felt satisfied.

There was no question: Conan is the book for me.

5/01/2006 1:03 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Or at least be one of his male traveling companions.

The female ones... They tend to die.

5/01/2006 1:19 AM

Blogger CalvinPitt said...

Other possible options include:

Avoid Conan at all costs.

If unable to avoid Conan, run like hell upon seeing Conan.

If running like hell, don't be afraid to let out a girlish shriek, as it may embarass Conan too much to actually want to chase you down and kill you.

Howvere, if the girlish shriek makes you sound attractive, he may try to chase you down for other reasons.

In which case, go dead emotionally, leave your body.

5/01/2006 10:38 AM

Blogger Canton said...

If you are Chuck Norris, do you mess with Conan? Or do you run? Curious minds want to know.

5/01/2006 1:53 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rule Number Two is of course: If you can't be Conan, be as far away from Conan as possible.

And Rule Number Three is: Remember your furry underwear - it gets cold in Hyperborea at night.

I think Rule Number Four is something about never starting a land war in Asia - or possibly never making a bet with a Sicilian when death is on the line. I can never remember.

5/01/2006 5:04 PM

Blogger Michael said...

Looks like the Rolling Head of Pantha has a new friend.

5/04/2006 12:43 AM

Blogger Zaratustra said...

I heard Conan was eating in a tavern, and some guy dropped a spoon, and Conan flipped out and killed the whole village.

5/04/2006 9:21 PM

Blogger thekelvingreen said...

There's a Thrud strip in which our barbarian hero does just that. Someone spills his pint in a tavern, and he massacres the entire town in retaliation.

Thrud is funny.

3/09/2007 7:48 AM

Anonymous Propecia said...

Well honestly I was looking for something different, I expect a different rule, but I know you are right! That's the unique rule to achieve this.

10/07/2010 11:31 AM


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