Return of the Queer

So we're standing in the Art Bar waiting for the band to come on and all the TVs suddenly cut to static. "Hey," I said to Tug, "the TVs all went out."

"Yeah. It's because Jesus just came back. And here we are."

"You might me right," I said. "It's not like we'd even notice in here. We're in a room full of people waiting to see a band called Confederate Fagg."

That's right, kids, it was the one-night-only special reunion of the South's number one all-gay metal band. And man, did they rock. It was insane in there. I got hit in the face with a cardboard cutout of Wee Man, various stuffed animals (and their stuffing), bubbles, beer, and a drunk guy's elbow. But what hit me hardest was a shot of warm, salty, milky-white glob of rock and roll right in the eye.

Metaphors, ladies and gentlemen. It's why I get the big bucks.

Anyway, the show was incredible. Let's go down the Art Bar checklist to see just how awesome it was:

Was Confederate Fagg there? Teabag Balzac, Spanky Swatnasty, Lady Miss Mango Chutney, and Packer all present and accounted for.

Did they play not one, but TWO Judas Priest songs? Check.

Was there a cute girl so drunk that she fell down four times and was chucked out? You better believe it, tiger. As MG3 said, "You've got to be pretty far gone to be kicked out of the Art Bar for being drunk." Well, sweetheart, wherever you are (and I'm sure you wish wherever that is was darker and quieter) I salute you for going above and beyond the pale of public inebriation.

Okay, how about a girl with hair so bushy she looked like a cross between Hermione and Kit Fisto? Stood in front of me for the first two songs. And of course, it wouldn't have been the Art Bar without the mildly attractive goth girl with cat ears on. And the transvestite.

Rock moves? Only the best. Not only did the bass player shoot 'em down, he set up the anti-aircraft guns. It was hot.

Man. Perfect score so far. But what really put the show over the top was that they actually played Freebird. We were shocked. Tug put it the best after the show: "They actually played it. Like it was a real song!" I'll be honest, it's the first time I've ever actually enjoyed that one.

So yeah, all in all a pretty awesome rock show. And it gave me the opportunity to use the phrase "a cross between Hermione and Kit Fisto," and how often does THAT fall in your lap?