Special Guest Update: Why Mike Autry Sucks

I'll be honest with you, folks: I'm not in the mood to write tonight. But as my pal J. Kern told me, "Mood is a thing for cattle and lovemaking, not writing!" He then proceeded to pluck out a tune on his nine-string baliset, but the point was made.

Fortunately, I have a guest update ready to go for just such an occasion, written by the man, the myth, and the legend: Mike Autry himself.

---

All right, don't blame me if this shit ain't funny, thought provoking, or whatever it is you typically come here for. I ain't Chris. I can't deliver any of that weird shit that he puts on his site, like Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, Kung-Fu ballroom dancing, and nude pictures of John Cassaday. I also don't work in a comic store, so I don't have any customer-monkey stories, and I have minimal comic knowledge. Chris has forgotten more about comics than I've ever known. All I have to offer is self-defecation.

See what I did there with the word deprecation? I used defecation instead. That was my weak attempt at humor. Damn it, that was fucking pitiful!

Look, just go away. Chris won't mind. Seriously, it don't get no better than this. You’ve already contributed to his web page traffic numbers, so come back tomorrow when he's back. Don't waste your life reading this rubbish.

Still here? Stupid, aren't you? I tell you this shit sucks, and you just keep on reading. Like it's gonna all the sudden get better and I'm gonna spout out something with a point. I have no point. I’m making this shit up as I go. Chris asked me to write something for his ISB (800 fucking words... like that’s gonna happen) and I was flattered. (See? Just another example of why I suck.) I was flattered, until I thought a little harder about why he did it. My first thought was, "He's so damn lazy that he can't even write his own blasted on-line diary, or whatever it is. Wretched fucker." Then I decided against that idea, he seems to put a lot of effort into this thing.

Then I thought, "What if this is all just another ISB gag? Maybe I'm no different than the Box of Punishment. Maybe he’s just so intrigued by how ridiculous I am that he’s putting me on display. Man, I really suck." It was at that point, that I started thinking of all the reasons I suck. Chris gave you "Reasons I Might Be Gay" (Reasons he might be gay that is... I ain’t gay, you bastards). So I give you "Reasons I Suck" (And my sucking has nothing to do with my being gay, which I’m not. Am I coming off as homophobic? I’m not.)

• Today I sang a Garth Brooks song... and that ain't all. I knew all the words.
• I can’t tie a tie. I have like five of them and I have to wear one about once a month. So I keep them tied and just slip one around my neck and tighten it up.
• I often read sentences 3 or 4 times before I understand them.
• When we moved into this house my wife demanded that the cat stay outside because of its long hair. I told her not to worry and that I’d shave the cat. I got the shit scratched out of me. The cat got a square inch bald spot and dropped off at the China Buffet.
• My family and I were watching American Idol. The following conversation took place:
  
  "Constantine sucks."
  
  "No he doesn't. You’re just jealous."
  
  "f that loser wins tonight, I'll run to the mailbox naked and sing Scooby-Doo."
  
  The bastard won and my wife made me wear underwear.
• I watched American Idol.
• I e-mailed Tug and asked him to put Ultimate Champions on my sub. The April edition of Wizard said it was hot.
• I bought a 9.8 CGC copy of Alpha Flight #1, 1983. I will not reveal for how much.
• I bought a CGC book.

And there are so many other ones that I can't even decide which ones to give.

So that's it. What, you thought I was kidding? You thick headed bastard. You just had to read it didn’t you? And look what it got you: not a damn thing.

--Mike Autry

Note: Mike Autry does not actually suck. Although that whole thing about the CGC'd Alpha Flight does make me wonder...