The It-Had-To-Happenest Crossover Yet

Seeing as how I'm a well-known fan of both Archie Comics and the ancient and secretive arts of ninjitsu, it should come as a surprise to no one that I picked this up a few weeks ago:

Yes, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Meet Archie, the crossover where America's typical teenagers meet the dominant craze of the early '90s that proved the only tolerable animals that were also people are animals who are also ninjas. Or possibly Blacksad, who gets a pass for being a hard-boiled private eye who will most likely plug you in the gut you if you give him any static. But that is entirely beside the point.

Which is simply this: This is not a very good comic book. For one thing, despite the fact that the Riverdale Crew and Josie and the Pussycats appear on the cover "partying" with the Turtles, they only appear in one of the four stories within, which, for the record, involve a cursed ship full of skeleton pirates, an Earth Day-themed mini-comic on how to keep storm drains clean, and--of course--a story about a resurrected wooly mammoth with a shotgun.

Yeah, I know: how could it have gone so wrong?

Unlike The Punisher Meets Archie, truly the finest crossover ever published and a little slice of perfection that all comics aspire to be, it just doesn't take advantage of the opportunity. Where's the scene where Dilton and Donatello combine their scientific genius to send the Turtles to their home dimension, huh? Or Reggie and Raphael teaming up to prank Archie and Leonardo? For the love of God, why aren't Jughead and Mikey eating Pop Tate right out of business?!

Not in this comic book, I'll tell you that for free. On the contrary, the plot revolves around Veronica--no stranger to the violent life of a millionaire heiress--is kidnapped at gunpoint from a free Pussycats concert and held for ransom in what may be Riverdale's only seedy hotel, biding her time until the Turtles bust in, nunchucks blazin', and save her, thus reaping their reward of one (1) pizza from Veronica's industrialist father. Doesn't exactly have the pulse-pounding action of, say, "The Comeback Trail," does it?

There is one thing to be said for it, though: What it lacks in quality, it makes up for by having what may be the most surreal panel I've ever seen:

No, your eyes do not decieve you: That is a giant floating cow head spitting ninja turtles onto a field while Archie and Betty watch from a convertable.

Freaking out is an entirely acceptable reaction.

More Tales From Riverdale:
| Warning Signs |
| Life in Riverdale: Surprisingly Dangerous |
| Much Like Mr. Weatherbee, You Are Now Freaking Out |