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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Behold! The Hidden Gusset!

Look, I already know what you're going to say, okay? And you're right.

Chuck Norris jokes are done. And not only that, but I've done them to death on this very blog with my bits on The Justice Riders and that one issue of Karate Kommandos. Even Dave Campbell did a piece on him last year, so it's safe to say that ol' Lone Wolf McQuade over there's about as novel as the mistranslated intro sequence to Zero Wing at this point.

I know this.

And I do not care, because this is the most awesome thing I have ever seen:



Those are Chuck Norris Action Jeans, and just in case your mind can't process it because you are too busy freaking out, they are pants specifically designed to be worn while you are kicking people in the face. And they retail for less than twenty dollars.

And that is just one of many, many mind-shattering images that lie within the pages of the September, 1988 issue of Inside Karate magazine that Ben loaned to me and--if I have any say in the matter--he will probably never get it back. It's 76 pages long, roughly two-thirds of which feature Chuck Norris, and the pages that don't are pretty much all forms for mail-ordering nunchucks.

It is, in short, the most perfect magazine ever published.




BONUS FEATURE: "Hi, I'm Chuck Norris..."




"...and this is the outfit I make my love in."

64 Comments:

Blogger FoldedSoup said...

My God... It's full of Stars!

4/11/2007 12:34 AM

 
Blogger FireworksFactory said...

If God wore pants, those would be them.

4/11/2007 1:39 AM

 
Blogger LurkerWithout said...

Those are obviously his jeans from Invasion U.S.A. where he drives around at random blowing the hell out of the terrorists who dared invade the U.S. and then blow up his swamp shack...

4/11/2007 1:56 AM

 
Blogger Steve Flanagan said...

I think that the "Help! Let me out of here!" look on his face in the pyjama ad is the most expressive Norris has ever been.

4/11/2007 2:37 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

See, I know I'm opening myself up for ridicyule with thos comment, but THIS is what I was talking about when I said, "just thought you'd be interested " way, way back in the day with the wu-shu comment. Chris is, completely understandably, obsessed with Kung-fu.

4/11/2007 5:46 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

See, I know I'm opening myself up for ridicule with this comment, but THIS is what I was talking about when I said, "just thought you'd be interested " way, way back in the day with the wu-shu comment. Chris is, completely understandably, obsessed with Kung-fu.

4/11/2007 5:47 AM

 
Blogger Rob Pugh said...

Awe. Some.

4/11/2007 6:06 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

is his "get-me-outta-here face" due to his roundhouse __ck?

4/11/2007 6:13 AM

 
Anonymous Mike Duncan said...

ACtion Jeans is my new wallpaper.

4/11/2007 6:48 AM

 
Anonymous Disco Stu said...

Screw the Action Jeans. I want the Official Chuck Norris Sexing-Pants.

4/11/2007 8:01 AM

 
Blogger Son of Blog-El said...

God Damn! His shlong goes down to his ankle!

4/11/2007 8:29 AM

 
Blogger Philip Looney said...

Many months ago, I took to calling my cargo pants Action Pants, because they have several pockets ready for action. However, they are not specifically designed for Karate like these Action Jeans, and are thus inferior.

4/11/2007 8:32 AM

 
Anonymous Dudiyan said...

roundhouse _ _ c k goes to the knee, man!

(and why did they made it so you could pass a credit card on that girl?)

4/11/2007 9:59 AM

 
Blogger Harvey Jerkwater said...

These are no match for Haggar Action Slacks!

When I was young, foolish, and new to the Ways of the Asskicker, I toyed with buying a pair of these bad boys. Really. Have you ever tried to kick someone in the head in normal jeans? They bind up in the crotchal region and limit the height of the kick. A "gusset" 'round the nards would help with that. No sense booting someone in the face if it means you'll mash your own beans in the process.

Then again, it's mighty hard to win the ladies when wearing novelty trousers. "Hey, girls! Check out my pants and their special 'kicking gusset!'" Even Barry White couldn't make that sound alluring.

4/11/2007 10:16 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The funny thing is I can still remember that add in Black Belt magazine, back when I was in high-school. I wanted a pair, but I never stayed with Karate long enough to actually need them.

4/11/2007 10:30 AM

 
Anonymous SanctumSanctorumComix said...

Chuck Norris is one of my wife's least favorite celebrities.

I will divorce her immediately.

~P~
P-TOR

4/11/2007 10:34 AM

 
Blogger Caleb said...

What I like most about the jeans ad--and let's be honest, there's a lot to like--is the implication that if those jeans were designed for high face-kicking, that means they probably had to test 'em, right? Like, someone brought Chuck Norris a bunch of different jeans, and he had to try 'em all on, and kick a dummy and say, "Nah, these bunch up," or "Did you hear that ripping sound" or "Hm, I can barely reach a guy's throat in these" until he found that pair that was juuuust right.

4/11/2007 10:37 AM

 
Anonymous Linda said...

I know how to add that little hidden gusset to a pair of pants. it's shaped like a diamond and it's added as an extension the the back crotch curve and front crotch curve in the thigh only. The secret is to not add into the J part of the curve or you get that unfortunate "camel toe" thing. It's not difficult to do and many pants made these days have that pattern modification in them; especially if they are designed for sports. It's quite obvious in baseball pants, if you look at the pinstripes in the crotch of baseball pants you can see the diamond shaped gusset that's incorporated into the pattern shape. Of course if you make your jeans from a lycra blend then they stretch with you no matter how high you kick.

Yes. There are people who think about these things. Yes, they teach this in fashion schools. And yes, this is totally cool talking about crotches and getting away with it.

4/11/2007 11:38 AM

 
Anonymous Guy said...

This makes me wish I had saved all those ninja magazines I had bought.

4/11/2007 12:15 PM

 
Blogger Bill said...

I actually had a dream about Chuck Norris last night.

4/11/2007 1:01 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

bill is lucky he woke up from being kicked in the face.

4/11/2007 1:27 PM

 
Blogger LMizzle said...

This is basically the best thing to happen to a catologue. Hands down.

4/11/2007 2:31 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you can find a knockoff of the Chuck Norris Sexy Pyjamas in the most recent International Male catalog. It doesn't look quite as manly, of course.

4/11/2007 2:44 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The greatest part is the fine print- should they ever fail you, you get to buy a replacement pair at half-off the already low $19.99. Chuck gets to kick you in the wallet twice.

4/11/2007 2:50 PM

 
Anonymous Matt said...

Can you still get these? Or am I going to have to trawl through some kung-fu thrift stores?

4/11/2007 3:07 PM

 
Anonymous Martin Allen said...

When Kevin Church mentioned that you had a "rather excellent post concerning Chuck Norris's pants," I immediately shouted "Gusset!"

This attracted unwanted attention, sure, but I just couldn't help myself; those ads are indelibly etched on my brain. Even in my days of reading Kung Fu and Karate with deadly earnestness, and practicing ninja fall-and-rolls off my dad's workshop roof with no regard for life and limb, they used to crack me up.

4/11/2007 5:31 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Say, do you think they sell the moustache too?

4/11/2007 10:03 PM

 
Blogger Ricochet said...

Where have all the karate-kicking face-footing cowboys gone indeed!

Given your inclinations I thought you might appreciate these bad boys :-D

4/11/2007 11:56 PM

 
Anonymous christy said...

those are crotchtacular!

4/12/2007 9:39 AM

 
Blogger Olav The Hairy said...

I actually own a pair of these.

Bow down, mortals.


Although, you have no idea how awful they look.

But the feeling of wearing stretchy denim is damnably close to being Chuck himself.

Proof positive that God exists.


Olav

4/12/2007 10:43 AM

 
Anonymous caroline said...

I want to shout about this from the mountaintops.

Since I can't do that, I'm linking to this from my page. This is too beautiful not to pass on.

4/12/2007 11:07 AM

 
Anonymous Coy said...

Does he wear underpants?

coy @ piouscoy.com

4/12/2007 1:03 PM

 
Anonymous GoTribe said...

If you woke up in the morning and put a pair of these on, and then kicked a guy to death at lunch, would that be premeditated?

4/12/2007 2:05 PM

 
Anonymous BlackRivil said...

They are the preferred jeans of the Cobra Kai dojo.

4/12/2007 2:32 PM

 
Blogger Periodical Ronz said...

It is my sole mission in life to own those jeans.

THEY WILL BE MINE!!!

MMMUUUuuuuuAAAAaaaaHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAahahahHAHAhahahaaaaaaaaaaa....kaff kaff...

4/12/2007 3:50 PM

 
Blogger Mr. Long said...

We need a complete scan of the catalog... :)

4/12/2007 6:23 PM

 
Blogger Becky L. said...

UM, can we discuss the glorious close-up of the buttal region? Fantastic.

4/12/2007 8:16 PM

 
Anonymous Krislinatin said...

OH MY GOSH! I Love Chuck, there is never too much Chuck!
Those jeans are great, i agree, we need a full catalog scan, please?
Came over here from Dooce!

4/13/2007 1:58 PM

 
Blogger Marty Weil said...

Chuck Norris ephemera...can it get much better. Anyone know someone who specializes in collecting Chuck ephemera...if so, email me.

4/13/2007 4:27 PM

 
Anonymous Mr Larrington said...

About twenty years ago, I shared a house with a bunch of Penniless Film Student Oaves. Chuck Norris Action Jeans figured high on the list of Things to Make Jokes About. I had forgotten them until now. Thank you for re-opening old wounds...

4/19/2007 5:40 AM

 
Blogger Mandizzle said...

it's about time someone made ass-kicking pants that were not only functional but emphasized a man's package.

4/20/2007 7:45 PM

 
Blogger Daniel said...

check it out, i found some real-life action jeans online! They are marketed to bikers, but I think they might just do the trick.

blog post about it

7/13/2007 6:51 PM

 
Blogger senseiman said...

I've been involved in martial arts for 30+ years and remember those jeans very well.Actually bought a pair and was surprised at how comfortable they were.Except for a little "bunchiness", they were great.Everything from Chuck through Century is quality goods.I have no idea where those pants are now, but they were great fun.If you can get a pair,try 'em out.

7/15/2007 6:23 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Proving yet again that Chuck Norris is the gayest human being on the planet. He couldn't kick his way out of a wet paper bag. Face it... [Anal] Invasion USA was his documentary about his first gay experience. I'm sure his love makin' pants have a hole in the rectum area for easy access. Chuck... you suck! Walker Texas Rump Ranger.

8/22/2007 2:50 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WHATEVER, WHATEVER, WHATEVER!! CHUCK NORRIS DOES WHATEVER HE WANTS!

8/22/2007 2:57 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

as well as sporting hollywoods best tupe

9/29/2007 10:20 AM

 
Blogger katrocket said...

They're the only pants that give me trueaction satisfaction.

11/08/2007 11:37 PM

 
Blogger manik said...


jeans manufacturer

11/20/2007 3:02 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Top 10 Reasons Huck Will Pick Chuck As His VP

http://www.voterswrite.org/2008/01/top-10-reasons.html

1/04/2008 5:27 PM

 
Blogger Rand.Reed said...

The Gusset design was incorporated into a popular 1980's product "Chi Pants" and these were sold for total comfort - just around the house or in the office.

Unfortunately the company has been out of business, and I have been searching for a replacement for years!

I guess I should look into having the last pair that I still own copied by a competent tailor.

4/11/2008 10:18 AM

 
Anonymous Funny Lists - Chuck Norris said...

When you open a can of Whoop Ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

5/01/2008 2:29 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My new name is Unique Hidden Gussett.

Thank you.

7/03/2008 2:56 PM

 
Anonymous Linda said...

This blog entry inspired an entry on my own blog. I write about sewing, pattern design, alterations, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I recently wrote about some common alterations to make pants fit better to satisfy a request from a sewing message board. I included a segment on the diamond crotch gusset (inspired by your blog entry) what it is and how it's added. If you are interested, the entry is here: http://lincatz.tripod.com/thelitterbox/index.blog/1830313/snakes-in-a-draina-look-at-the-crotch/

7/29/2008 12:44 PM

 
Anonymous Hillary Kitten said...

What will Chuck Norris eat at President McCain's inaugural dinner?

MREs filled with bloody meat.

8/24/2008 2:39 PM

 
Anonymous Chuck Norris Jokes said...

Noooooo!!!!! It's just not true! Chuck Norris jokes are still making people laugh every day. My new site proves that Chuck Norris jokes are alive and well. Go rate your favorites and share some more.

8/28/2008 10:12 AM

 
Anonymous Chuck Norris Jokes said...

Noooooo!!!!! It's just not true! Chuck Norris jokes are still making people laugh every day. My new site proves that Chuck Norris jokes are alive and well. Go rate your favorites and share some more.

Sorry for the double comment - link didn't work the first time.

8/28/2008 10:22 AM

 
Blogger micwoy said...

Dude sell me some Chuck Norris Action Jeans. I will give you my left nut (that's right, the good one) and my first born male child.

10/11/2008 12:44 AM

 
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12/12/2008 9:33 AM

 
Blogger Dookie Pants said...

Holy Cats!! Memories...JCPenney 3.98

5/19/2010 4:07 PM

 
Anonymous Generic Viagra said...

Chuck Norris is the best he even can cut the nails of his right hand, with his right hand.

8/23/2010 4:52 PM

 
Anonymous Scott Avery said...

I remember seeing those in the Karate magazines when I was a young kid. Sweet

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