The Mind-Shattering Madness of Jimmy Olsen #86, Part Two
If any of you were paying attention to the cover that accompanied last night's post, you may have noticed the fact that it contains one of the greatest plot elements in the world of fiction: Jimmy Olsen's Brain In A Jar:
The fact that this single image did not immediately spawn a hundred-issue run of Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen's Brain In A Jar may have been the biggest missed opportunity in comics history, but it did give us the story I'll be focusing on in the second installment of my spine-tingling exposé of Jimmy Olsen #86!
Ah, the friendship of Jimmy Olsen and Superman! Kinda brings a lump to your throat, doesn't it? But what happens when Jimmy replaces his dynamic pal with a bald green man in a pink polo shirt, tiny shorts, and white go-go boots?
Well, truth be told, I have no idea, because this is a two-part story and I wasn't able to track down a copy of the next issue. But fortunately for our purposes, there's enough in the mere six pages that this thing runs to keep us here all night.
It all gets started when Jimmy goes on a ride-along with an armored car carrying the phenomenal sum of one million dollars. Fortunately for Jimmy, the armored car is composed of a new alloy discovered by one of the city's roughly sixty-eight thousand eccentric professors, the indestructable Vulnite.
Unfortunately for Jimmy...
...Vulnite isn't quite as tough as previously advertised, which puts it right alongside most of the inventions of Professor Potter or Professor Lang in terms of effectiveness. Really, though, what else can you rightfully expect from a bunch of scientists who never bothered to get their doctorates?
Anyway, the explosion quickly attracts the attention of Superman, who shows up just in time to pimp-slap the living bejeezus out of the thugs, but alas, it's too late for Jimmy, as the explosion has resulted in potentially fatal brain damage.
Superman's solution to this? Simple:
Stick 'em in the Phantom Zone!
For the record, this is also Superman's solution to unforgivable crimes against Krypton, dealing with childhood friends with allergies, and especially malicious midgets.
Before Superman can go grab his projector and condemn his best friend to a thousand years in a dismal, shadowy hell where he'll be picked on by a guy who looks like Dr. Phil for being retarded, though, Brainiac--"the most terrible of all space villains!"--shows up and offers to save Jimmy's life.
And all that happens on one page. Suck it, decompression.
Once on board the ship, of course, Brainiac does save Jimmy's life by extracting his damaged brain and replacing it... with a computer! Thus, the world's first Terminator is born. But once he's released upon an unsuspecting Metropolis, where even his best friend doesn't know that he's a murderbot programmed for Superman's ultimate destruction, what unstoppable horrors will his emotionless robot mind unleash upon the world?!
Ant Farm Sand-Counting!
Phenomenally Disturbing Innuendo!
And that, along with forcing Jimmy to throw away all of his Superman merchandise and replace it with memorabilia relating to his own accomplishments, is apparently the full extent of Brainiac's sinister master plan. Well, that and turning some farm equipment invisible and waiting around for Superman to show up, but I think it's safe to say that Superman foils his dastardly schemes and returns Jimmy to his bowtie-sporting status quo.
I don't, and neither will YOU if you're here tomorrow night
when The ISB takes on the most brain-melting historical saga of the Silver Age!
If You're Thinking Of Missing It...