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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

The Annotated Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter #5

Despite the recent delays in the posting schedule here on the ISB, time and tide wait for no man, especially where the wonderfully atrocious adventures of everyone's third-favorite Vampire Hunter are concerned.

And that's why our crack research department leapt into action with last week's release of Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter #5, even going so far as to look up one (1) thing on Wikipedia--the human race's greatest repository of pro wrestling holds and anime-based knowledge--in an effort to explain just what the heck is supposed to be going on in this thing.

It's an exhausting process, I assure you, but it must be done. Grab a copy of your own and follow along!


1.1: This issue opens up directly after the events of #4, with the story pausing only long enough for Anita to grab a shower, which apparently has the effect of washing every last bit of pigmentation out of her skin. Except, of course, for her scars, which tend to look like oddly-placed grape juice rorschach tests.

1.5: Anita's weapon of choice for this issue is the compact "Firestar 9mm." Unfortunately, this particular handgun was never covered in my definitive firearm reference, Punisher Armory, and so no further information is available.

1.6: Oh what is this?



Yes, in an effort to blend in while still packing heat, Anita apparently decides that it's a good idea to walk around in public sporting a white nightshirt, black bike shorts, and a pair of Nikes with Flashdance-esque rolled down socks. The fact that she's willing to risk direct sunlight on so much of her clown-white skin could be further indication of her developing super-powers.

2.5: Is this Anita's boss Bert Vaughn (described in previous panels as "a scalawag") or Crack Stuntman, the voice of Gunhaver on TV's Cheat Commandos?

U-DECIDE!


5.4:



That's what she said.

5.6: In a scene that kicks off here and runs for the next three pages, Anita--whose head appears to be in imminent danger of being devoured wholesale by her own Slashlike hair--tries to talk some albino gothtard's equally pallid, elfin mother out of letting him join the ranks of the Living Dead. At first, this might seem like she's worrying way too much about this guy, but once you realize that she's doing her level best to keep the world from having to deal with some whiny, immortal emo kid, you start to realize that Anita might not be that bad after all.

9.4: Hey everybody, it's Phillip!



For those of you whose long-term memories were irrepairably damaged by the sight of the Wererat King and his Daisy Dukes, Phillip's a male stripper and vampire fetishist from way back in #1. He's slightly less manly than the Oxygen television network, and--like every other supporting character in the book thus far--will be playing the role of Anita's codependent sidekick for the duration of his appearance.

10.5 - 10.7: For a more enjoyable experience, you can replace Phillip's dialogue here with pretty much any line from Top Gun.

Seriously, here's the original (click for more legible images):



And now, improved:



And again:



...and one more time, because I could seriously do this all night:



11.2: In the midst of her customary facial spasms, Anita spends a lot of time over the next few pages worrying about whether or not she's hurt Phillip's feelings, then deciding that she doesn't care, then worrying some more, and then deciding that she does care, and then buying him lunch. Her constant struggles with indecision would echo Hamlet's if Hamlet was, y'know, really, really shitty.

15.2: At last, Anita throws in some kung fu! And while I can't find a bit of fault with her technique, one is left wondering why her opponent--who has the thighs of a praying mantis--doesn't just leap to the safety of a nearby rooftop.

16.5: According to Anita, a "Freak" is "someone who likes vampires." I point this out only so that everyone knows that I'm not making a joke at the expense of Laurell K. Hamilton's readership here.

22.4: Although it's not made clear by anything other than the fact that Anita's wearing a different shirt with slightly different--and yet, no less annoying--penguin cartoons on it, this panel is actually the beginning of a flashback sequence that closes out this issue.

23.1:



Haaaaaahahahahaha!


25.1:



AAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!

Man. That one cracks me up every time.




More Exhaustively Researched Annotations of Anita Blake:

| Matchup #1: Anita Blake vs. Dracula |
| Matchup #2: Anita Blake vs. Batman |
| The Annotated Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter #3 |
| The Annotated Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter #4 |

Labels: , ,

30 Comments:

Blogger Richelle Mead said...

Oh, Chris...my love for you right now burns so brightly that it could heat up even Anita's pallid flesh...

3/29/2007 3:17 AM

 
Anonymous the other chris said...

Seriously, how the FUCK can this book be selling like it is? Are we comic readers actually THAT retarded?

I believe this may actually top TAROT. I have read an issue of TAROT, but I would *never* lower myself to such masochism when it comes to ANITA BLAKE.

Just...ewww.

3/29/2007 3:18 AM

 
Blogger FireworksFactory said...

Crack Stuntman AND Top Gun?!

You have outdone ourself, Good Sir. Especially since that first one has only been around for a day or so.

3/29/2007 3:35 AM

 
Blogger Siskoid said...

The real question is: How long before the makers find this blog and start doing it ON PURPOSE?

Or are we past that point already...?

Yay, word verification: Fibzz

3/29/2007 9:37 AM

 
Blogger remix17 said...

Last one reminds meof Lord of the Rings porn. *shudder*

3/29/2007 9:57 AM

 
Anonymous tooembarrasedtosay said...

You know, it's kind of sad, but that last picture has given me an understanding of why guys get sucked into comics with cheesy exploitative pictures of mostly-naked women on the front.

I mean, he looks absolutely ridiculous. I *know* this. I am laughing with y'all. But there's some reptile brain endocrine system ovary-driven part of me that went "Gimme!" anyway.

3/29/2007 10:41 AM

 
Blogger Dweeze said...

Lord of the Rings isn't porn? Man, have I been using those movies the wrong way.

3/29/2007 10:41 AM

 
Blogger SallyP said...

Oh dear God, NO! I never thought that I would say this, but I would actually prefer to read Civil War to this drek.

I'm going to go and stare at Hal Jordan's butt, and wash this image out of my mind.

3/29/2007 10:52 AM

 
Anonymous Vermic said...

Chris namechecked both Homestar Runner and Fashion SWAT in one post. This is automatically the most awesome thing to happen to me all year.

3/29/2007 11:08 AM

 
Blogger Keath007 said...

"1.5: Anita's weapon of choice for this issue is the compact "Firestar 9mm." Unfortunately, this particular handgun was never covered in my definitive firearm reference, Punisher Armory, and so no further information is available."

Dammit - that made me laugh so hard my boss came out to see what was going on. How am I supposed to read the rest of the post with him looking over my shoulder? Thanks a lot. Jerk. :)

3/29/2007 11:49 AM

 
Anonymous Sadcap said...

I've no problem with scantilly-clad men on the covers of comics, I mean, most superheroes would just as well be naked, what with how tight their costumes are, and it may make a whole bunch of male comics readers question the way women are portrayed in comics (maybe not). I'm pretty sure Claremont would have Cyclops dressed up like that flimsy BDSM dude in a heartbeat if he thought he could get away with it (which reminds me of some Wildcats/X-Men thing I read, involving Wolverine in fishnets, with futuristic metal nipples or something, which was a nice change, I guess? I think it was by Warren Ellis). Actually, take away the visor and blue spray-on bodysuit, Cyclops WAS dressed like that for the bulk of the 90s.

But man, those haircuts! I want to see some proper Robert Smith goth birdnest haircuts, STAT.

3/29/2007 11:50 AM

 
Blogger Stephan said...

It looks like Anita blake is turning more and more into a lipstick smeared Brian May from Queen with every issue.

3/29/2007 12:00 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously, the first book was a bit on the easy reading side, but a lot better than the comic, - reading this I feel embarrassed for reading the first part of the series, y'know where she still killed and hunted instead of fucking ...

3/29/2007 1:42 PM

 
Anonymous Steve said...

Oh god thank you. I was worried I was the only one who thought this book was totally drek. No comment that every guy has the same face and build? No? Okay then. Off for a Red Bull and a cigarette for me then...

3/29/2007 3:28 PM

 
Blogger Evan Waters said...

This is the greatest thing in comics ever.

And I can't WAIT until they get to the pornographic volumes.

3/29/2007 4:44 PM

 
Blogger webrunner said...

You know, any pleasure anyone who is even remotely connected to vampires,hunters included, is going to be at least a little guilty I'd think.

3/29/2007 5:44 PM

 
Blogger Evan Waters said...

No comment that every guy has the same face and build? No? Okay then.

Anita Blake, Bishi Hunter.

3/29/2007 6:38 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How on earth can she be paler than the vampires? Is she painting herself with white lead makeup or something?

3/30/2007 1:10 AM

 
Blogger notintheface said...

And remember--

CHRIS SIMS --- Reads ANITA BLAKE so you don't have to! (And slips in "The Office" references to boot!)

3/30/2007 1:56 AM

 
Anonymous Brian Smith said...

Just a quick note that the Anita vs. Batman link doesn't go to the Anita vs. Batman post. I discovered this, and I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm a resourceful dude, I'll look it up under the annotations for issue 4." And the same thing happened! So I figured I had to nip this thing in the bud before it spread any further, mostly because I loves me the Anita vs. Batman post. Much obliged!

3/30/2007 2:33 AM

 
Anonymous AJ said...

But man, those haircuts! I want to see some proper Robert Smith goth birdnest haircuts, STAT.

It's funny, I'm watching a Cure DVD as I read this. Methinks the comic would be vastly improved if they just ditched this Anita Blake claptrap and made the series an extended adaptation of the "Lullaby" video. Oh, and with better creators. And a different name. It'd still be the same series though, trust me.

Weird tidbit I discovered earlier today: during an interview on the set of the "Why Can't I Be You?" video in 1987, the interviewer asks Robert Smith about his polar bear costume, and Robert's immediate instinct is to compare it to Spider-Man's struggle with his alien symbiote costume. In 1987. Now that's awesome.

3/30/2007 3:12 AM

 
Anonymous Sadcap said...

"Robert's immediate instinct is to compare it to Spider-Man's struggle with his alien symbiote costume"

My. God. That really is awesome.

I am totally using that anecdote in the pub tonight, if that's okay.

3/30/2007 6:48 AM

 
Blogger Sean J. Jordan said...

Incidentally, we love this site at the Dabel Brothers office, folks. I laughed pretty hard when I read this article!

Keep up the great work, Chris!

-Sean @ Dabel Brothers Productions

4/04/2007 2:54 PM

 
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