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Friday, February 25, 2005

What Not To Say, Redux

Yeah, I took last night off. The footclaws were simply too much for me. Luckily I've been able to laugh again.

So yesterday this guy comes into the store and tells Tug that he had pretty much every Marvel comic produced between 1961 and 1965, all in Near Mint, many of which were signed by Stan Lee, but that his wife had put them through a paper shredder.

Clearly, this man was insane.

The logisitcs involved in shredding 400 Silver Age comics and his constant ticcing aside, the story just doesn't hold up under any kind of scrutiny. Look, buddy, it's okay that you have a box of New Mutants and early '90s X-Men. You don't need to impress us.

It's one of those weird things that happens when people come into the store. Like Chad said yesterday, "There's three things in comics we never need to see again: Superman's origin, Batman beating up Superman, and some old dude talking about how his mom threw his shit away."

So in the spirit of things we never need to see again (ie, footclaws), here's a list of my favorite customer quotes I could do without:

  • "Do you guys buy comics? Because I've got some old ones, man. Like ten years old And they're in mint condition! Still in the plastic!"
  • When looking at any comic priced at over fifty bucks: "I had that when I was a kid."
  • "What do you mean you don't want to buy it? It's a NUMBER THREE."
  • "I've been out of comics for a few years... What's been going on with the X-Men? Is X-Man still around, because you know, he was the most powerful mutant in the world. He had the power of the Phoenix!"
  • "Who do you think could win in a fight between the Punisher and the Silver Surfer? Okay, okay... but the Punisher has a rocket launcher."
  • "X-Men 2 was based on my fanfiction I wrote 15 years ago on Prodigy. I can't believe they didn't credit me."
  • "See, my fanfiction is all about Batman and Wonder Woman, and they get married, and Thor performs the ceremony, and then the Joker kidnaps Wonder Woman, but he doesn't know she's pregnant, and then later on, Ra's Al-Ghul gets up in the mix! He finds out Batman's secret identity!" (But wait, I say, Ra's Al-Ghul knows Batman's secret identity. That's his deal!) "Oh... Well, I guess he forgot. But then he finds out again!"
  • Come to think of it, any sentence involving the word "Fan-fiction."
  • "Do you have Superman vs. Batman First Edition?"
  • "How much is the first ever Superman comic worth? Because I have one." (No, I'm afraid what you have is either one of several reprints or Superman #1 by John Byrne from 1987.)
  • "I've got this comic I want to know the value of. It's GI Joe... From June 1985. What? Issue number? Where's that? No, it doesn't have one. "

And then my personal favorite:

  • "I remember when Wonder Woman didn't have tits."


Blogger Mark W. Hale said...

"What do you mean you don't want to buy it? It's a NUMBER THREE."


"Okay, okay... but the Punisher has a rocket launcher."

Some kid in high school tried to tell me that Gambit could beat the Silver Surfer. I was all "Dude, you're a fucking idiot," and he was like "But Gambit could charge his board and it would explode." And I was all "Dude, you are a HUGE fucking idiot."

And what the fuck is this "first edition" thing people are always saying? "I got a first edition Spider-Man!" "I got a first edition Batman!" I got my first edition foot up your ass!

2/26/2005 12:37 PM

Blogger Jim Shelley said...


I don't know. Not sure it's got the same internal rhyme as CapVsBats. Still, on the rediculabilious scale, it rates pretty damn high.

Great column Chris - I love these little insights into the glamourous world of Comic Shops. It's like the Shield meets Freaks and Geeks. Harrowing, yet deeply sympathetic.

Someone should write a HD Fanfic.

2/27/2005 12:53 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tell me more about tit-less Wonder Woman.

8/04/2009 7:10 PM

Anonymous Gabriel said...

The chap is completely right, and there's no skepticism.
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