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Sunday, February 20, 2005

Indisputable Facts, Volume 1

After I totally ripped the lid off it with yesterday's post, I'm back! As is my cold, which continues to linger despite the best efforts of the Avengers AND the Fantastic Four.

Now, most people would read the ISB and mistake me for a comic book store employee/amateur humorist, but brother, those people would be wrong. What I am is a purveyor of absolute facts. I've gathered a lot of them in my time, and keeping this thing running is my way of bringing them to you, the public. So tonight, I'm going to eliminate my usual formula of couching them in anecdotes and bring you the facts, directly.

Now, you might be tempted not to believe these, but I put the ISB guarantee on each and every one. They're the facts, yo, and I'm offering them as a public service.

  • Rob Lindsey's dulcet tones are scientifically guaranteed to get you laid.
  • This one time, Tom Cruise ate a baby. He can unhinge his jaw like a python.
  • If you ever go to a Super Wal-Mart that has a McDonald's inside, and they have the option to order something from the McDonald's at checkout, and you order a soda, it will be the hardest you've ever worked to get a soda in your life.
  • Benjamin Franklin porked a turtle.
  • Ultimate Spider-Man is quite possibly the worst superhero in comics today (This is controversial, but it is a fact. You can tell because the only other superhero who runs home and cries in his basement at least has a special basement that cost billions of dollars and probably has a room especially for intense action crying).
  • Strip clubs are not nearly as fun sober as they are when you're drunk.
  • In a fight between Ming the Merciless and TV's Alan Shore, the winner would be... the fans.
  • This picture is the best thing you or anyone you know has ever seen.
  • Number Six would kick James Bond's ass.
  • People who buy my crap have, in long-term studies, been proven to lead happier lives, get lower interest rates on their mortgages, and experience the thrills of sexual pleasure. It's science.

So, uh, yeah. The well of my writing talent has official dried up. Come back tomorrow, there might be something funny here.


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