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Saturday, March 19, 2005

Suffering Sappho!

NOTICE: On Monday (or maybe sooner, but I've got something in mind), I'm going to be switching the web address of the ISB over to, hopefully, http://isb.blogspot.com assuming it's still available. So be advised.

Today I went up to Rock Hill to see my pal Brandon with Billy and the Brothers Nacovitch. It was a lot of fun, and I decided to celebrate the occasion by getting, for the second time in my life, drunk. Fortunately, that doesn't take much, and after two shots of whiskey, a Long Island Iced Tea, and the best damn White Russian I've ever had, I was pretty well gone for the rest of the night.

So we ended up back at Brandon's dorm room and for some reason or another (probably me saying I wanted something else to drink) he wandered across the hall to a room where five lesbians were playing cards. Needless to say, I followed, stumbling after.

Those poor, poor girls. I'm thinking my presence pretty much confirmed that they were on the right track with the whole "no dudes" thing. I'm boisterous and loud while I'm sober, and when I get drunk I just get nonsensical. I can only imagine that two weeks from now, they'll be sitting around again having a conversation like this:

"Hey, you guys remember that night Brandon's friends came up here and he brought that fat white guy in here? He was ridiculous!"

"Yeah, what was up with that guy? First he makes us explain that insanely complicated card game we like--as if having eight different decks is something weird--and then he starts talking about how Maroon 5 sucks and goes off on this rant about Straight Outta Compton."

"Oh my God, I forgot that part!" (here, she affects a slurred barely post-Cro-magnon voice) "Durr, it's da best rap album ever! It's got Gangsta Gangsta on it!"


"And I'm not even getting into the part where he started yelling about the Wu-Tang Clan. What was that thing he said about flowing like Christ when he speaks the gospel?"

"Seriously, I think he had some kind of fixation on black culture. Remember that little history lesson he gave on Shaka Zulu? And that other guy... I can't remember, he was into the vodka by that point."

"Yeah, I distinctly remember him somehow working Aquaman into a conversation about African kings."

"Yeah, well you guys weren't even in the room when he started talking about Public Radio! It was CRAZY! He went on and on about this one show, and then started talking about this crazy Christian show he listens to that doesn't make any sense! He said something about an ice cream shop, the CIA, and the holodeck before I got out of there."

Yeah, it was a good time. Me being drunk... it's the stuff of legends.


Blogger autryman said...

I didn't see any comments about this post, and it has been setting here for a few days. I didn't respond right away because I thought that I might come off as fatherly. I also didn't respond because it reminded me of what a dumbass I can be when I get drunk. So, with hope of sounding like an older brother and at the risk of sounding fatherly, I'm gonna comment anyway.

I don't know all of the people that read your posts, but I bet that for most of them getting drunk and acting like a dumbass is old hat. I was shocked that you have only been drunk once before this. I had you pegged as a Belushi-Farley with a twist of Rick James. Next time we hit Denny's remind me to tell you about,when I:
1) threw a party, got drunk, got naked, and kicked everyone out of my mom's house while naked and drunk
2) was taking weight gain to hulk out, got a messed up stomach from the weight gain, got drunk, passed out in a friends car and shit myself
3) got drunk on Tequilla, was offered a cig to relax me, and ate the cig
4) got drunk, called my lovely mother a B and was banished from her home...after she broke a broomstick over my back
5) stole some everclear off of my girl-friends mom's fridge and damn near killed myself with it...and in the midst of doing so accused my best buddy of wanting her and then commensed to fighting him
6) got drunk and went rabbit hunting...I'm a damn good shot when drunk, but I'm dangerous

I gotta shit load more of these. The funny thing is, they all pretty much occurred between the ages of 13 - 17. I've been drunk plenty times since then but far fewer of those ended in my being a complete dumbass and I'll tell you why. Limits and preparation.

You have been drunk twice, and you should now know that you are a lightweight. Which is strange because you are a big guy. At any rate, slow down and taste your food, smell the roses, and enjoy the high. Know your limits or you will be drunk, naked, and throwing people out of your mom's house before the party even starts.

Prepare before drinking. Know that the people that you are with won't mind babysitting or restraing you. Know where you will be passing out...and ensure that if you wear undergarments, they are ones that you can lose or shit on.

3/20/2005 7:12 PM

Blogger Chris Sims said...

I think "Belushi-Farley with a twist of Rick James" is the new ISB slogan.

3/20/2005 7:56 PM


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