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Sunday, April 09, 2006

The It-Had-To-Happenest Crossover Yet

Seeing as how I'm a well-known fan of both Archie Comics and the ancient and secretive arts of ninjitsu, it should come as a surprise to no one that I picked this up a few weeks ago:

Yes, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Meet Archie, the crossover where America's typical teenagers meet the dominant craze of the early '90s that proved the only tolerable animals that were also people are animals who are also ninjas. Or possibly Blacksad, who gets a pass for being a hard-boiled private eye who will most likely plug you in the gut you if you give him any static. But that is entirely beside the point.

Which is simply this: This is not a very good comic book. For one thing, despite the fact that the Riverdale Crew and Josie and the Pussycats appear on the cover "partying" with the Turtles, they only appear in one of the four stories within, which, for the record, involve a cursed ship full of skeleton pirates, an Earth Day-themed mini-comic on how to keep storm drains clean, and--of course--a story about a resurrected wooly mammoth with a shotgun.

Yeah, I know: how could it have gone so wrong?

Unlike The Punisher Meets Archie, truly the finest crossover ever published and a little slice of perfection that all comics aspire to be, it just doesn't take advantage of the opportunity. Where's the scene where Dilton and Donatello combine their scientific genius to send the Turtles to their home dimension, huh? Or Reggie and Raphael teaming up to prank Archie and Leonardo? For the love of God, why aren't Jughead and Mikey eating Pop Tate right out of business?!

Not in this comic book, I'll tell you that for free. On the contrary, the plot revolves around Veronica--no stranger to the violent life of a millionaire heiress--is kidnapped at gunpoint from a free Pussycats concert and held for ransom in what may be Riverdale's only seedy hotel, biding her time until the Turtles bust in, nunchucks blazin', and save her, thus reaping their reward of one (1) pizza from Veronica's industrialist father. Doesn't exactly have the pulse-pounding action of, say, "The Comeback Trail," does it?

There is one thing to be said for it, though: What it lacks in quality, it makes up for by having what may be the most surreal panel I've ever seen:

No, your eyes do not decieve you: That is a giant floating cow head spitting ninja turtles onto a field while Archie and Betty watch from a convertable.

Freaking out is an entirely acceptable reaction.

More Tales From Riverdale:
| Warning Signs |
| Life in Riverdale: Surprisingly Dangerous |
| Much Like Mr. Weatherbee, You Are Now Freaking Out |


Blogger Ragnell said...

You butt!

Your mention of Animals who are also People reminded me of Furries! Which reminded me of this guy I knew. This guy's livejournal I once found after I'd severed contact with him. And so naturally, I began to think hateful things. Which made me feel guilty, and made me check his livejournal again, just to relieve my conscience of the possibility of hating a dead man so much.

Which then subjected me to this gawdawful poetry.

Which is all your fault, Chris.

4/10/2006 1:04 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

There was also a Sonic the Hedgehog, Sabrina the teenage Witch crossover. Sadly Sonic wasn't earth plane avatar of a sanity shattering Elder God that Sabrina had summonded to do her dark bidding, which is what you'd expect from any being who is bright blue and has ONE GIANT FUSED EYEBALL!

My friend also decided to cross me over with the Archie universe once, which was, interesting...


4/10/2006 5:29 AM

Blogger CalvinPitt said...

Wasn't the cow's name Cudley? Or was it Dudley?

Giant cow heads, the transportation of the future.

4/10/2006 11:19 AM

Blogger Ouranosaurus said...

I used to own this comic, when I was about twelve. I remember the floating trans-dimensional cow-head, which was part of this whole insane plot where the Turtles were snatched from planet Earth and fought bug-aliens in an inter-planetary gladiatorial competition. And I vaguely remember the wooly mammoth, which was clearly THE COOLEST THING EVER. Please, for the love of god, sell me this comic book! Or at least, post a picture of the mammoth.

4/10/2006 12:16 PM

Blogger Steven Hardina said...

Cudley the Cowlick!

4/10/2006 1:54 PM

Blogger Steven said...

Raphael is also doing a Superboy neck snapping face-plant, which begs the question why he doesn't just duck his head into his shell...

because, you know, he's a Turtle.

4/10/2006 2:55 PM

Blogger Steven Hardina said...

Because he has a giant malformed head, prolly. Teenage Mutant Hydrocephalic Turtles?

4/10/2006 4:25 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey! Just wanted to let you know the exhibition Masters of American Comics, is on view at the Milwaukee Art Museum April 29 – August 13, 2006. The exhibition will feature works from Winsor McCay, Lyonel Feininger, George Herriman, E.C. Segar, Frank King, Chester Gould, Milton Caniff, Charles M. Schulz, Will Eisner, Jack Kirby, Harvey Kurtzman, R. Crumb, Art Spiegelman, Gary Panter and Chris Ware. ALSO, artist Chris Ware will be making a visit on Thursday, May 4, 6:15 p.m. Press preview will be held on April 26,1-4 pm. It's going to be awesome!

4/10/2006 5:05 PM

Blogger Chris Sims said...

Hey, thanks, I live in South Carolina and have no way of attending, but feel free to use my comment space for free advertising to a target audience! It'll be radical!

4/11/2006 1:09 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah, the cow pretty much became the turtles daily driver there for a while. he was a perfectly normal sight after about the 5th issue he was in, and you dont really think much of it after that.

which explains why the sight of the archies dancing with the turtles was more surreal to me. as i was scrolling i saw the TIP of that pic and new before i went any further you had freaked on the cow.

4/11/2006 3:47 AM


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